This otherwise festive season has forced me to take notice of a disturbing thread in my life (perhaps more common than I expect, but we'll see...) I'm beginning to see how easy it may be to eventually doubt just about EVERYTHING.
This is the first year I've encountered that dread of REpurchasing the exact same item for someone. I've heard of other people experiencing this feeling from time to time...it's possible that I have, on a forgotten occasion, done this once before. That's fair, right? Well...try EVERYONE. Every single gift I purchased, I developed a strange fear...a fear that engendered profound doubt of my grasp on personal history. I imagined that the item was a "nice match" for the person in question's taste...so, doesn't it make sense that this blessed union of creative purchasing and character analysis would have occurred in the past? Even as recently as last year?
Sometimes it was a mere "flinch"...a brief flash of cautionary doubt...the type of thing that would result in a stunt pilot to bail or Evil Keneval (sic) to hit the brakes on the ramp leding up to the 23 limo's in Caesar's parking lot. In those examples, potentially disastrous, sure...but here, after a few moments, water under the bridge. "Hey...no hard feelin's, me. You're still the goods." Other times, the doubt induced a series of related questionings...a slew of reflections and recaps that spawn a full-fledged self-investigation. "Did I already get this? If so, why can't I remember when exactly? If not, then I'm not as good as a friend as I thought I was..."
I guess it's clear that I've taken issue with my memory. The foundation of which is "If my past experiences become less and less concrete, then how can I base new decisions on them?" As I grow older, the edges are blurred on everything...the contrast is turned way down on my screen. I even noticed tonight, driving through some pituresque scenery, that the amount of "picture" within the span of my vision (peripheral and otherwise) seems cropped...all Pan & Scan. Am I squinting more these days?

My favorite time to just BE is that time when you're half...no...THREE QUARTERS asleep. This is where and when I feel most in touch with the other side (or all sides...or, at least, more sides than usual). I mean, come on...you KNOW those aren't JUST dreams...you KNOW your cubicle or your living room or your backyard isn't your whole world.
It's a nice place to be. I think Neil Gaiman, writer of the SANDMAN series, writes mostly in this state. Cats sleep 3/4 of their lives, so they probably have the most experience with navigating it. I imagine that's what they're chasing when they suddenly dart into the next room...or stare at "nothing". Whatever current stresses and connundrums plague my waking mind are, for a time, whittled away to meaningless trifles...or, better yet, they are transformed into strange backdrops to ongoing subplots in a surreal storyline that I sort of melt into. In this venue, priorities and issues of importance are shuffled around in such a way that I cannot possibly guess what's happening next. I guess that's why it's such a thrill when I see a movie that knows what it's doing even though I have no idea where it's going. It's following one of these "sub-lucid" plot schemes, I just know it! Soon I'll be in on the secret language and I'll be able to spot the other in-the-know-travellers and, with a wink or a gesture, share a moment of shared awareness and comraderie. Just like Pirates!
So, then...like I wasn't saying...
Today in one of these sleep/wake states, I realized that, as I get older and continue to watch the world evolve, the trend seems to be inching towards cliche. All those old, cheesy plots...they're coming true. In terms of the "masses", people generally don't like to think too much about their entertainment. They don't like a challenge when they're expecting to be placated with something...well, cliche. Familiar. The age of psycho-Manifest Destiny is NOT upon us, for the most part, is it? I feel like I should challenge myself more...condition...set up good habits of creative outletting. But I'm so tired...too tired to even get to a POINT tonight...ZZzzzz...

Navigating the world is rough enough without having to keep secondary "psychical" maps on hand. Remember good old deja vu? I do. I remeber that transient scenario...that bridge from deja vu to recognition and, finally, to nostaligia. Anything can set off this distinctive chain of events that ignights longings and fond memories...the smell of ammonia conjuring images of a school lunchroom...a distant church bell harkening back to the good old days of one's hometown. You know...the goods.
So why is it that the trend of modern society to erradicate any unique characteristics a location may or may not possess? (Don't worry...I know I used a keyphrase like "modern society" that usually marks the beginning of a long political rant, but nothing could be further from my intent. Trust me...)
I got the deja vu today. Only, this time, the bridge from deja vu led to the brick wall of disorientation...then, ultimately, to disillusionment. OK...here's my question:

Why do all the STOP & SHOPS look EXACTLY the same?

All the way from the layout of the Ben & Jerry's frozen section right down to the location of the 6 for $1.99 roll bins. MIRROR IMAGES. I had the unfortunate privledge of visiting TWO separate shops...in different cities...on the same day. On the 2nd visit, whilst passing the holiday cookie table near the self-serve checkout lanes, I had to stop (and NOT shop) for a moment and gather my bearings.
What city was I in? What time was it? And the YEAR? THE YEAR?!?!
This confusion, of course, leads to some unnecessary self-query. "Am I getting senile? My ID says I'm 30...that's probably not the case." I persist. "Am I bogging myself down with so much activity that I've become easily derailed? Is there something METAPHYSICAL going on with my reality?" Right about then, I let me have it. "Have I become some sort of multi-dimensional hitchhiker...skimming realities and jumping planes without conscious effort?"
Oh, if it were only that interesting.
Organization, in this society, is a virtue of the highest regard. Organized = efficient. It's that simple. Unfortunately, the first casualty of organization is almost always imagination. The science of order is pretty cut and dry, and most people HATE change, so...well...
OK...there's TWO guys working at a company. One guy went to art school, self-published a fanzine, had some poetry printed in the local paper, and has a really snazzy idea for organizing the pre-packaged cold-cuts section. The OTHER guy graduated from accounting school...with HONORS (Cum Laude...whatever...), and alphabetized the entire International foods-spotlight lane...just like they have it in the store in the next town over...and the one next to that...and the one in Frisco. Who wakes up with a job the next day?
I dunno. I'm sure it makes sense...but I know that I'll never have fond memories of my local Stop & Shop, because, wherever I go (like those paintings with the eyes that follow you around the room) it'll always be the same store looking back at me. There's no more magic in actually BUYING something at these big chains. There is only "need" and "possesion" and, quite honestly, the stuff doesn't taste THAT good.

You know...it's funny how things work...
...or, rather, REFUSE to work without the proper amount amount of chemicals.
Take, oh, I don't know...the MIND, for instance. Here's this thing that's always on. Always. For all we know, it may have always BEEN on, in some form or another, even prior to our current tenure here on this planet (non-Christians take note). It just chugs away. But how many different gears does this thing have? And why is it a constant struggle to drive it the same way every day?
For example...
Yesterday, I'm sitting in front of a computer at a client's office. They're having a problem connecting through something called CITRIX. I won't go into the more-than-horribly-uninteresting details of Citrix, but let's just say it's a 'Remote Desktop' application...kind of like a McDonald's in Latvia or mainland China, it looks the same wherever you go. I know Citix fairly well, so I activate the "diagnosis" portion of my neck pumpkin and the problem is solved fairly quickly. I breeze out of there and the client breezes into an Alpha state only accounting software can induce.
So...
TODAY, I'm at a "similar" client with a "similar" problem. Objectively, it's the same situation. Citrix. Connection problem. Audio landscape of clicking keyboards and distant printing. No problem, right? Well, you might as well have handed me a phone with a spanish-only speaking person on the line and told me to "get them out of downtown Hamburg and on to the 11:45 flight to Tokyo." I was lost. The same diagnostic engine I had used yesterday just wasn't sputtering to life. Where did I put that switch? How'd that start sequence go again? No idea. What was the point of knowledge if I can't use it EVERY time I need it?
Then, after a few lengthy, bitter, silent discussions with myself, I realized...I hadn't eaten. Nothing. Not even something to drink. My car had a better meal than I did, and it was already past noon. I was eyeing the slightly cheaper REGULAR grade petrol product, but that's just not good enough for MY Subaru. No sir...premium blend...keep it coming...
But none for the pale, sleepy guy, thanks. He'll get by. Like a camel, I would burn the stored nutrients nestled (somewhat conspicuously) 'round the midrift. What else would it be there for?
Stupid. I'm always the first person to complain about my memory being terrible, my sleep/wake cycle being out of whack, and mental agility needing discipline. It's so easy to get frustrated at the your bodily functions for not being more consistent. It's so easy to be put off at the fact that one's mind doesn't function in a more complicated manner when, all along, it's needs are rather simple. I've just got to remember to drink my Ovaltine (the rough modern equivalent of which is SUPER-NUTRIENT-BOFFO-ENERGY-PERFORMANCE-ULTRA-TINE-DRINK with Taurine, Ginseng, Caffine and Vodka). It's all about diet, I guess...or chemicals, specifically. Delicious chemicals...

In other news, we WON the BEANTOWN MELTDOWN Battle of the Bands. Wow. We listened that night on the Internet for the live announcement after the show. It didn't come until 3am, but it proved quite a shock to a lot of people. Things are changing...almost in a green-skin/purple-pants type degree. I hope I can juggle well...